(On August 7, the people of Missouri voted 83% in favor of an amendment that included language saying that students did not have to participate in school assignments that conflicted with their religious beliefs. This post is in response.)

Last night, God came to me in a dream! He wanted me to start my own religion. There clearly aren’t enough of them, and He thinks that the children of Missouri especially need Him now. Here’s what He told me about Imbecilism:

Video games and movies are clearly more important than gaining knowledge. If He wanted you to be smart, He’d have made you that way.

Physical fitness, team sports, exercise, eating healthy foods, and other behaviors that are aimed toward living a longer and healthier life are bad for you. He has decided how long you’ll live, how you look, what the quality of your life will be. You should only run when chased by a predator. Trying to be thin, fast, strong, healthy or attractive to others is a futile pursuit, and you shall not engage in it. If He didn’t want you to eat Doritos, He wouldn’t have made them so tasty.

Math, especially any higher form of math that might help you figure out a tip, do your taxes, keep your business afloat, or balance your checkbook; is bad. You shall not spend time trying to learn how to manipulate numbers, as it might make you more capable than your fellow man, or God himself, and that is bad.

Logic, reason, analysis, and critical thinking are the tools of the devil. They are largely used by highly paid professionals like doctors, lawyers and professors. God wants you to take everything you hear at face value and not question. It makes His job much easier.

And lastly, be good to your fellow man! You should give all your money to politicians and religious figures who tell you things you like to hear. Remember, God loves you exactly how you are, don’t go changing or improving yourself.

So if YOU would like to join me in worshipping God in this important new way, please join! For a mere $50 I will send you a certificate of membership in Imbecilism and a copy of its manifesto. (Especially useful in classrooms in Missouri.)

One Response to “Imbecilism”

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